March 9, 2013

why we need to send the rabbits back where they came from.

Airports are a natural place to be wary of these days. It seems that another terrorist scare is always just around the corner, and so we allow TSA to cop a squeeze in the name of liberty. But in a surprising turn of events, I tell you immigration is what you should be worried about at the Denver International Airport. In what is perhaps the first sign that Mother Nature is reclaiming her human-infested territory, rabbits are hopping the border to Denver airport parking lots.

Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trial, right to your parked car, and he’s taking a break from his hippity hopping to grab a bite to eat. This unexpected pest species is adorably munching away at critical cables and wiring beneath parked cars at Denver International. You might hope that something so cute wouldn’t dare eat anything important, but you’d be wrong – the critters are causing hundreds, and sometimes thousands, of dollars in damage.

Administrators and maintenance, though charmed by the creatures’ velvety ears, are at their wit’s end trying to protect their vehicles. Literally hundreds of bunnies have set up shop in Denver airport lots. The airport’s solution is three-fold: new fencing, relocation, and an unexpected twist – fox urine.

What we have on our hands here is a good, old-fashioned border war, folks. The rabbits are on our land, taking our parking lots, and sucking from the teat of our American vehicles. Should we have to bear the cost of their livelihood? I say nay. It’s about time we sent them – the rabbits – back where they came from. Return to your grassy green fields and your peaceful tree hollows in the Hundred Acre Woods – we don’t want them!

Maybe, just maybe, if these rodents could adapt to our culture, and learn to tolerate the smell of fox urine that we Americans hold so dear, then perhaps they can be integrated into our parking lots. Until then, I call upon the powers that be for serious border reform. We need to strengthen our fences, and start on an effective way to integrate the bunnies into our society. Should they resist, we will just have to break out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

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